I put in my headphones
I was overwhelmed
and the static in-between
that doesn’t really matter.
It doesn’t even make sense
time is just a concept but I
put in my headphones
not wanting it to pass me by
just wanting to leave
before it bubbles to the surface.
I don’t feel strong but that doesn’t make me weak
I was overwhelmed
a word that sickens me
and yet there I was
How do you write an intro to a post that goes far beyond words? I suppose you write it from the heart. I tend to create poems when I speak of racism as I can articulate how I’m feeling and what I wish to portray in a whole other way that comes naturally. This one is from the other night.
I have been scared to speak out amidst everything that is going on as I don’t want to rehash upsetting memories that I’d rather not think about. I thought I’d calmed down after I wrote that poem but then I ended up crying until it got to the point where sleep wouldn’t come and was replaced with a painful flare-up. I haven’t really been in a good space or coping well at all if I’m honest. Don’t get me wrong, in blog posts where I appear to be happy I generally am as that’s how this community makes me feel but there seems to be an underlying current that has been working its way into the centre of my focus which is good and bad at the same time. It’s difficult to conquer those demons but just because it’s hard that doesn’t mean that I won’t try to as they shouldn’t and won’t be accepted.
I have shared before about how my mind is so often a blank space. It’s a coping mechanism that originally started because of my chronic pain where I unintentionally shut off so it’s tricky to access that space when people ask me what is wrong and when I do it can be very overwhelming having it all on my shoulders at once.
I am mixed race, my mum is white and my dad is black. I have been interrogated, shamed and looked down upon amongst other things. I have felt the pain of those I love. It feels weird even stating those things because you’re made to think it’s nothing and after a while it can be easy to believe that in order to get by when it actually really hurts.
To some I am black, to others I am white, I don’t understand why it’s so tricky for people to understand that I’m both. It’s like I’m not allowed to be proud to call myself my parents daughter in a sense and I have to pick one. Or if small-minded people hear that it’s your dad that’s black they’ll say it automatically makes you black and nothing else, now that is a whole other kettle of fish because why must it be chosen that way and make a mother somewhat irrelevant? I will not conform to stupid rules that only benefit a belief that has no real backbone.
Some people are so quick to jump to conclusions when they can’t be bothered to look deeper and realize why some people aren’t as vocal about it all. They automatically assume that silence means you’re complicit when that isn’t always the case. You could be raising awareness out of sight of a screen and not saying anything about it because not everyone thinks to say that they’ve done something good, they just do it. And that’s not a dig at people who are vocal, it’s just facts. Also, People suffer in silence too, not everyone is capable of being automatically ready to talk just because you’re ready. What happened to educating yourself instead of labeling? Practice as you preach and think before you speak.
People that say “all lives matter” need to be told that if they did then there wouldn’t be a need to stress the point that black lives matter too 🤷 but they just ignore that nugget of wisdom don’t they? Because it makes them question what to them MUST be right no matter what 🙄
Those of you that have followed me on social media for a long time will know that I’m quite the sporadic poster and only really share a blog advertisement every third day. I’m rarely on my phone and when I am on it I don’t tend to gravitate towards social media, I feel much more able to share long posts like this so I will continue to raise awareness mostly on my blog as this is my platform. Social media is an extension of my blog, its absolutely amazing and people are sharing great steps to take but let it be known that recognition can come from various other mediums too and still influence action, there are people out there who aren’t even on social media but are still doing the right thing and finding a way to make a difference.
Listen, talk about it, reach out and be supportive, also learn through various resources such as books and podcasts so as to be more aware of what is going on around you. Donate/protest if you can, sign petitions, stand up to racism and report it. Don’t stand by and let it happen.
The murder of George Floyd deserves to be acknowledged and justice needs to be done in the memory of him and countless others such as Ahmaud Arbery, Trayvon Martin, Tatiana Jefferson, Breonna Taylor, Tony McDade, Botham Jean, Alton Sterling, Dion Johnson, Andile Mchunu, Michael Brown, Chrystul Kizer, Jamee Johnson, Tamir Rice, Kendrick Johnson, Sean Reed, Willie Simmons and Julius Jones.
The list goes on because there are far more out there. Racism will never be okay. We are ALL human and deserve equal respect. You could get lost in a vortex of trying to figure out why people cling to such hatred but like my gran always used to tell my mum who in turn told me: if you understood how some people think, then you’d be in trouble yourself.
We don’t have to understand it but we can work on changing those notions by not giving in. Don’t ignore someone elses pain just because you can’t comprehend it or haven’t experienced it, educate yourself and listen in order to become more aware of what is going on. Here are some important links so start clicking and get involved!
You can sign petitions and donate HERE as well as discover a host of resources. Also check out:
Thank you for reading 🙂 This was very difficult to write but I’m glad I did, I feel like I’ve regained my voice. I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m simply sharing it so as to help raise awareness.
You’re allowed to be upset no matter what your race. The word “overwhelmed” is so often reserved to be used against those who people believe don’t have a right to be upset. Well that just confuses someone like me who has faced racism and wants to be of help but has been so anxious about it all at the same time and I’ll bet I’m not the only one. I will see you soon, until then challenge views and fight for what is right (and I’m not just saying that because it rhymes 😂). Take care 💕