Hi everyone! ❤️ This post is being typed out in the middle of the night which is NOT a good idea and I don’t recommend it 👎 (I never said I was a good role model 😂). Welcome back to my blog! You’ve arrived at a strange, strange time where there is no limit to what you’re going to witness (…zombies…the limit is zombies Lucy, we’re not talking about vampires or anything like that. Stay in your lane!…just putting myself back in my place there 😂).
Picture the scene: the streets are rampant with zombies. Crawling, digging for their next meal. Someone is pushed out of a building in their direction, is it me? No, it’s the person I just surrendered for the greater good (I’m full of brilliant ideas! Sucks to be them though 😂). Whilst the zombies feast on the free meal someone creeps out from the darkness and sprints off into the distance (well less of a sprint more a struggling saunter) in search of better shelter NOT surrounded by flesh eating mutants. And who is this “someone”?….no it’s not a character you haven’t been introduced to yet, it’s me! Let me tell you how I’ve gotten this far in the apocalypse (it’s basically what I’d do if there was an apocalypse but I’m telling it like it’s happened because it’s more entertaining for all involved, lego 😉):
Step 1: I zombie proofed my safe house….once I found one (I’m not that great with directions 😂). But bad news…even worse than a world infested with zombies…there were no food supplies in the pantry.
Step 2: I realized that I’d zombie proofed the house so well not even I (a human) could get out 😔
Step 3: I discovered a loophole in my plans and from the second floor I climbed out of the window into a tree. Scrambling down I eventually landed on all fours (in this alternate dimension I can climb trees okay…Let’s just hope zombies can’t 🙌😂).
Step 4: Carefully (stealth mode ON) I made my way over to the neighbors house, luckily not bumping shoulders with the enemy. Perhaps I should have been alarmed by the fact that the back door was open but I was hungry and I can’t function well when I’m hungry let alone be aware of warning signs 🤷😂
Step 5: I crept in and began to stock up on food (I’mma risk drinking from the tap as bottles are HEAVY) and all extra supplies I deemed important at that moment in time, such as paper and pens (this is the perfect time to finally begin writing my memoirs! You don’t want to be leaving it too late now do you? 😂). *Grunt* what. was. that? Guys! I think the comments section is leaking into the post, did one of you just grunt? Anybody? 😖
Step 6: A remotely calm looking zombie is standing right beside me watching the paper like a magnet. God it’s like being in a stationary store holding the last available notebook. I slowly put it down and take a step back landing smack down on the floor after tripping over the loot. All attention moves towards me and to say I run is an overstatement. I struggle and saunter out to safety (what can I say? My body doesn’t connect with my mind, Just Dance can vouch for that)…as safe as can possibly be in a zombie situation anyway 😂…tightly clutching what little valuables I could reach at the time.
Step 7: Back in my safe house I rethink the situation 🤔 What could I have done differently?….those bloody waffles! I knew I could live without those, why did I spend so much time putting them in the bag? If I hadn’t have picked those up I would have had more time to get out of there. Crisis averted my mind immediately tuned in to the fact that I hadn’t actually checked if my safehouse was safe inside 🤦
I’d checked the most important room (i.e the kitchen) to realize I was in dire need of supplies but overlooked the rest. I think we can all agree that I can’t afford to oVerLOoK ThE reST so I slowly make my way around (a highly useful plank of wood in hand mind you!), taking inventory as I go 📝 (visually as the paper saved my life and got left behind in the process). Nothing out of the ordinary is found until I pass a room that emits a presence…
Step 8: I take a deep breath before stepping in, a series of karate chops escape me as I swing the bat of wood around for good measure 🤺. I FEEL READY, but what I’m not ready for is what I actually find. Huddled in the corner of the room is a man. Nothing about him screams “I’M A ZOMBIE” but you never know. I guess if that question is to be asked he should be allowed to answer and that would be near impossible what with the duct tape applied firmly over his mouth alongside tightly bound arms. His eyes rapidly signal for help (you’d know it if you saw it) and so I make a very adult decision. I leave him there.
Step 9: JOKE! I’m not that cruel. I remove the tape and he gasps for air (which I thought was a bit weird as he wasn’t being fully deprived of oxygen, he could breathe through his nostrils or else how did he survive!?). Saving conspiracy theories for later I ask him if he is okay?…or okay now that I’ve removed the tape anyway. He splutters a reply “there’s a man, he…he…wait a minute, you were going to leave me here!” Outrage spreads across his face “Never mind that!” I reply “what man? The house is semi empty, I’ve searched it from top to bottom. He must have left ages ago, there wasn’t even a crumb of food downstairs”
I shut up. He is not to be told of my food supplies, the next thing you know he’ll be claiming them as his own and I’ll starve. No, I won’t let that happen. He catches on “FOOD!? I haven’t eaten in months, bring me some…” In his desperation he spits and it lands directly on my left shoe…my good shoes (where am I going to find decent shoes in the midst of a zombie apocalypse?). He follows my eyes “Are you honestly more concerned with spit on your shoe right now?? there are literally ZOMBIES outside right now! Wake up!!”….That’s when I really do leave him there. I don’t need a lecture on how to survive a zombie apocalypse, I’m doing just fine.
Step 10: He wasn’t kidding! The house is surrounded by zombies 😳 How on earth did that happen? He must have signalled them or something (they can’t possibly have arrived after I met that lovely zombie in the neighboring kitchen 🙄). Acting on autopilot I decide: what good is a safehouse if you don’t feel 100% safe? I must find another one but to do that there has to be a decoy and a sacrifice will need to be made along the way.
Thank you for reading peeps! What did you think (rewind back to the beginning of this post if you don’t get it!) & what would you do in a zombie apocalypse? I’m dying to know! (Lil pun there). Do you want me to do more of these posts? I really got into the zone 😂 Have a fabulous day (if it doesn’t involve real zombies then you know it’s fabulous! 😂).