There are days when all I want to do is cry and other’s when an invisible force is stopping me from even doing that. It’s one of the ways of coping with my undiagnosed chronic illness (I always just put the link as it’s too hard to go over it all again). The migraine/fatigue side of it is constant and I wish I knew why it’s happening + could find some relief from it. I hold on to the moments that I can but they soon leave me.
The pain is debilitating and undescribable. I’m often unable to talk/move through no choice of my own and I’ve been told that if I were to be subjected to level upon level of torture I’d be able to tolerate it because I’m so used to it and have a high pain threshold whereas most wouldn’t be able to put up with it but just because I can doesn’t mean I should have to. No one should and it’s taken me this long to count myself in that and realize it.
There is no break from it, it’s always there on a various level and resting/pacing seems to be the only way through but I don’t want to rest, I want to live life even if I don’t know what that is as I’m so cut off from it and fearful of it the longer I’m away. It’s so easy to lose hope in things ever changing after all these years, my life is at a standstill and I don’t know what to do next. I used to think that there was a way around everything but it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have exhausted my options.
I thought I’d share this with you like I used to be able to on here as otherwise this whole thing just feels fake. This is a touch of reality. I might not write about it much but it’s still happening and there comes a time when I just have to let it out.
I want to be able to let others in similar situations know that they are never alone. I think it should be acknowledged that there are people out there like myself who haven’t been told yet what is wrong with their health and feel like they have been cast aside living in fear of their own bodies and what will happen next.
Life’s not all sunshine and rainbows, for some it’s the complete opposite the majority of the time and its okay to speak out about that as much as it is fine to talk about the good things that are going on too, how else is anybody going to know what you’re going through? I refuse to live in silence (despite my quiet nature 😂) and even if it’s once in a blue moon I am going to write about it when I feel up to it.
It’s difficult to live like this let alone put it into words but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about how I wish things were and I don’t want whatever you’re going through to stop you from moving towards your goals either as despite the barriers in our way, even if we drift away from hope at times, we just have to know that we can handle it and if we can handle this then we can handle anything (well that was the longest sentence in the world 😌😂).
I tend to search for the positives in things and what I’m learning from this is that I am one tough cookie and not only because of what I have been/am going through but because I’m surrounded by people who build me up and keep me strong when I feel weak, make me somehow feel able to crack a joke when I’m in pain and give me the support I wouldn’t be here without.
My family are my rock as are my friends and I thank every single one of you for helping me along the way, even if it’s just a passing by comment it has kept a smile on my face and shown me that creating this blog was the best decision I have ever made as it has given me a safe space to escape to + focus on whenever need be and to also work hard on ( I appreciate it if you made it this far on a hella long post 😂). How are you feeling today? (happy, sad or in-between: your emotions are valid and you have a right to be feeling them). Take care ❤️
Other posts to this series: