Hi everyone! How are you? ❤ Today I thought I would share with you a health update as it’s been a while since I’ve written about what’s going on aside from small notes as I hate allowing it to somewhat invade the positivity of blogging but at the same time that makes the happyness seem a bit fake.
Before I start I would just like to say that I added “January 2018” to the title of this post so as to differentiate it from any other post I might have just named “health update” and at the moment I have no desire to make this into a series or anything because as much as it feels surprisingly good to vent, I would much rather choose to bottle it up and not have to hear about it more than is necessary. I also understand it might be a difficult read for some of you, it is my life and is what goes on behind all posts to this blog and today is just one of those days when I feel able to write about it.
My health has a massive impact on my life and is the main cause as to why I started this blog. Blogging is really the only contact I have with the outside world the majority of the time which I feel embarrassed to admit and I need to realize that I shouldn’t be afraid to let out what’s going on and be more truthful about it. I don’t talk about it as much as I should to let out the mental aspects that being undiagnosed brings and so writing is both a way to clear my mind and escape from it all at the same time.
January was not a good month for me health wise. It was full of flare-ups of headaches and migraines that varied in extremity, the worst ones were when it felt like a grinding in my skull when the pain climaxed and when asked to describe how it felt I couldn’t even speak let alone find the words but I remember imagining myself as a geography teacher giving an amazing lecture about plate tectonics through experience, I get delirious as you can probably guess 😂. The headaches and migraines weren’t unexpected as I get them everyday alongside the fatigue, it just depends on whether or not they are on a small enough scale to allow distractions. I’m used to them even though I know I shouldn’t be or in other words shouldn’t have to be. I don’t want to get used to them but with them being around for almost 10 years (maybe longer as I used to think it was normal when I was little) it’s hard to imagine things ever being any different.
Weaving in and out of the migraines my other flare-ups fought to become apparent up against them and my right arm caused a lot of worry in that it swelled and stung over a course of time and then disappeared to travel up into my chest where the pain is now. In the beginning I thought I had gotten a chill from going out in the cold but we think that the Pleurisy I had last year might be coming back as a sharp pain goes down along my spine when I breathe.
I feel like my life is one long rest and that this is how it will stay forever and I will never know why 🙁. I don’t feel like I’m living, sometimes I do but then I’ll look at things and see that they are the same it’s just my perspective of them that’s different and then I fall back into thinking the way I did before. The longer I’m away from the world and stuck inside the more I fuel the fire of my anxiety about being out in the open around people. And now I’m annoyed because I only just started referring to it as shyness and now I’m back in that headspace of before and theres nothing that can be done about it. It’s just one long waiting game.
I am very numb when I’m “okay” and it’s like I’m not really here. I am always floating, dazed living in my head as there’s so much to take in after pain has subsided. Life is kind of a whole other shock to the system 😂 I feel so disconnected. I’ll read a book and feel awake and then I’ll look away from it and feel like I’m not in the room. It’s hard to explain, it’s like it takes longer than it should to process everything around me. The other week I missed out on an opportunity that I wrote about HERE and leading up to it I felt a powerful mix of both excitement and fear (an unlikely combination for me when the excitement was stronger than the fear) and I could almost sense that this could be a magical experience in which I step out of my comfort zone. When I missed it I felt kind of empty like I’d lost the chance to make a change and live through that powerful feeling that I don’t think I’d ever felt before where I was for once completely here and not with other things clouding my head.
Blogging is my outlet as I’m sure it is for many of us on here. It’s not life and it’s not pain, it’s somewhere in-between. This community means so much to me and the people I have spoken to on here have helped me a lot. I don’t think I will ever find a way to put into words how much I appreciate that ❤
I feel less trapped when I write truthfully about what’s going on and am not making out that all is fine. My message to you is that you should never feel bad about speaking, writing or blogging about how you feel. Good or bad, it’s easy to throw it all away as moaning and even if it is how else are you going to find relief from it all? Don’t let your mind stop you from speaking before you’ve even started and don’t keep it in if you can help it. Always know that although what we go through affects who we are, it will never set the bar for what we are capable of achieving 💛
Thank you for reading! I hope you’re having a truly beautiful day ❤