Hi everyone! How are you today? Recently I have realized something that I have always done but never paid much attention to. When I feel unmotivated and full of self doubt I ask for a sign 🙈 a sign to show me that I’m doing the right thing and whether or not I should keep going at it. Do you understand what I’m getting at? Rarely things happen but I think the idea behind this way of thinking is: if you are asking for a sign you feel you are at a crossroads but you already know the direction you will travel in. If you feel the need to ask the question: “should I keep going?” Then you are obviously more in favour of that direction and want the sign to somewhat tell you that you have nothing to worry about.
It’s whether or not I should really be going in that direction that is the problem. If I am ignoring reality and my health isn’t in favour of that direction I usually still ask for a sign to show me it’s the right thing for me to do because it’s what I feel I need in order not to give up hope completely.
If you want to do something in particular in your life, I think a sign will come to you regardless of you asking for it if this is what you really should do because hard work pays off in extraordinarily peculiar ways and that is all your sign needs to be alongside the love you have for your passion which is a sign in itself.
This was a random short! 😂 But it was something that has been on my mind for a while now and I enjoyed rambling about it 😂
I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of health updates lately and I hate that it may come across as wallowing (because that’s the reason I usually keep it to myself and go internally mad 😂) My health has not been good as of late but maybe that is a positive thing, new symptoms and excruciating flare ups bring me a tiny step closer to that diagnosis as it hopefully means whatever I have is progressing and trying to be known and found out. I want to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone on here who comments such kind messages that hope for me to get better (and of course wish me a lovely holiday 😄😂 that makes me really happy because I’m looking forward to it!) Your words mean a lot to me, they keep my spirits up and in turn I am growing more otimistic about it all. One day when I do have a diagnosis I will be proud to look back on my health updates and say to my past self “you never gave up thinking something wasn’t right and look at you now with a name to put to your pain!”
The other night I woke up really quick and my blood pressure dropped so fast which was dangerous as it is low anyway. My head felt like it was being covered by a wave of heat (like I was in an oven) and my hearing disappeared. My legs shook as I tried to make my way to the bathroom because I knew I was going to pass out (I was seeing blue and that’s usually the first sign for me). It may sound strange that I wouldn’t stay in bed as the best thing most people can do when they feel faint is lay down but this is one of my symptoms (neurocardiogenic syncope) and laying in the position I was in when I quickly awoke triggered a drop in my blood pressure. I thought if I could make it to the bathroom someone would hear me drop and would be able to help or I could at least be sick as I couldn’t shout for help (I felt like I would puke if I tried 😂) my head was a fizzing and tingling mess and I ended up sitting on the floor in the toilet willing for it to go away. My mum and dad helped me back to my bed where my watery pukey feeling had pushed down to a stomach ache that was unbearable (I honestly thought I had started my period 🙄😂 and wished it too as I don’t want to start it on the boat over to England 😂). My breathing was going crazy and I couldnt stop shaking but my parents got me a drink that brings up the salts in your body and a hot water bottle and the feeling eased off and left me with aching joints. I couldn’t really look anyone in the eye as I felt stupid not being able to hold myself up or string together a sentence.
A couple of days ago I mentioned that my mouth ulcers started getting worse to the point where my face is tilting from the pain and I discovered a lump in my jaw that is sending shock waves of pain over my head. The lump has somehow spread out now. I’ve never had an ulcer so bad it rejects all of the medicine I’ve tried for it so I’m hoping like mad this is the flare up symptom I have been waiting for that will speed things up in terms of a diagnosis. Yesterday I went to the doctors after a restless night and I have been given some steroids that will hopefully fight it as my immune system is a lazy bugger basically!😂 so far the steriods are easing the pain of it for a while so I’m hoping that gives time for the antibiotics to kick in properly and make it go away. I can’t eat properly as it hurts to chew and speak/smile. I’m not going to mention the name of the disease my doctor’s are looking into right now as I want to be completely sure I have it before I do. I’m thinking maybe this sudden surge of interest in my health on their part is how on the news in Ireland right now they are saying that for the past couple of years doctors have been reading all MRI scans wrong and confusing the scale on which they base a reading, recently a doctor came forward and admitted this so they are having to go through all past MRI scans again.
One thing I have started doing is drinking a complan drink (which are powders that you add milk/water to that are packed with nutrients) alongside my 3 meals a day (+snacks of course 🙄😂) and I find that it eases my ulcer for awhile. I used to drink Complan but I hated the taste as I don’t think we bought the flavoured ones then 😂 I eat healthily but my body uses up the benefits of nutrients fast so taking one of these gives me that extra hour boost before it goes again and I’m tired 😂. I am always trying in anyway that is in my control to help my illness, my doctor has told me before that regardless of healthy eating my disease will still be there as my immune system doesn’t work properly alone and only the medication upon diagnosis will hopefully ease the pain and help me live with it. Complan do a chocolate drink that is DELICIOUS! 😂
Right now I’m annoyed with myself for sounding like a moaning you know what but I can’t shake the feeling that this is how my life will be, one long rest with a side order of waiting 🙁 but as always I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders from writing about it as I worry about my symptoms when they appear to be getting worse.
This is one of the time’s I describe above where I yearn for a sign to make me not give up on things I enjoy doing as I doubt my ability to keep it all up. Looking at it now these signs are kind of a coping mechanism as even just the idea of them keeps me going. I just need to remember how I feel when I’m not at my worst, enjoying life as much as I can. In those moments, everything is a sign to keep going as I’m grateful to be up and about, taking it all in.
I would love to know what you think about this whole “sign” thing.
Thank you for reading! 😉💗 Have a lovely day!