Hi everyone! I hope you’re having a lovely day! Yesterday I went to my friend’s house and had an amazing time! The fun was cut short near the end of my visit when I was hit by a migraine (I say hit as that’s exactly how it felt 🙁). When I got home my scalp started to feel like it was on fire and like someone was pulling my hair ontop of the migraine. The last time I had that kind of flare up my doctor told me it was a symptom of Fibromyalgia before never mentioning it again because another doctor told me the lesions on my brain look like early signs of Multiple Sclerosis but at this point could be any autoimmune disease and all I can do is continue to wait. I’m not sure how many years ago that was in this long waiting game. I haven’t heard anything from the hospital regarding the disease they were looking into and thought could be a diagnosis which I got too excited about HERE. I don’t know, it’s just been making me really upset. When I get sick I’m told “it was a long day so we knew to expect the flare up” and it makes me think “why should we have to expect it? It’s not normal and we should be told what is going on inside me”. Last night I went to bed crying, because of the pain my head couldn’t touch my pillow without burning and feeling raw. I would try to smooth my hair out of the way but each strand I touched sent shock waves up to my scalp and made it worse. I slept in a very still position and was luckily so tired from the day that I dozed off. This morning I woke up scared to move and was so relieved when I racked up the courage to touch my forehead and it didn’t hurt as much, instead my back hurts today 😂. What I always think is at least I had a lovely day with my friend, it makes the pain somewhat worthwhile as I would probably have gotten sick even if I hadn’t of gone to her house.
I have written a post in my drafts about realizing how much I have overcome my social anxiety (that’s right! I’m admitting that it was never just shyness 🙈). This post was draining for me to write because I’ve never admitted to myself that in the past I had really bad social anxiety. I have often played it off as shyness (like HERE) but the other day I realized its something that I need to say because today (looking back on the past) I can honestly say that all I am left with is shyness because my social anxiety was overpowered by my chronic pain which made me confident enough to cope. I don’t think it when I’m out and about but I have some coping mechanisms that get me in and out 😂 I am still learning as there are times when it happens again but I try to make it go away. I don’t know when but at some point when I was lying in bed unable to move I thought “**** it! (🙄😂) If I can handle this pain without going mad I can find a way to cope around people”. I have gone years without any social interaction because of my homeschooling//flare-ups and will sadly continue to with my home course which can’t be helped. I’m noticing things I do when I’m out that I would never have been able to do when I was younger like ask for help in a shop or full on go into a shop on my own (which I am still trying to do but it’s hard to find a time when I don’t have a flare up). I know now that this isn’t/wasn’t all just shyness and could never have been put down to not wanting to be around people. I want to meet new people but when I’m there it doesn’t go smoothly but recently when I talk to people instead of letting my mind go blank on its own I force it into a calm blankness where I have space to think of what I’m going to say. I thought all of this would be good to admit so that if I ever did meet any of my blogging friends (yes that is a goal! 😂) I would like you to know that I don’t mean to come across as rude if I’m uncomfortable because I want to be there I’m just still getting used to it all. I know that it probably won’t seem rude but it feels that way and I beat myself up about it.
The reason behind finding this difficult to admit before was because of my Undiagnosed Chronic Illness. Doctors would have been so quick to put down my pain as anxiety when I knew my pain caused the social anxiety, not the other way round ( I mentioned this HERE) Because then they could stop the search (and not work hard to find a diagnosis) and help, when there is no way to help someone who is undiagnosed. Just a load of tests poking, prodding and questions that go on forever. I would have been left to cope with no foreseeable diagnosis. Later I realised it was obvious to my doctor’s that I had been anxious around them so I don’t think there was any real need for me to worry 😂 they want me to get my proper diagnosis just as much as I do. I have grown up having “social” anxiety (I know I don’t have full on anxiety because my sister does. For me it’s only social). My chronic pain did not help early on but a couple of years into it I realized the pain has made me stronger and more able to cope in social situations. When I realized that how I used to feel in social situations was not normal (or is not because I am still incredibly shy) it made me upset because I did not like to think that my pain has changed me as a person (I am often reminded I used to be jokier before my pain), it felt better to write about it so I did but now I am so nervous to post it 🙈 and asking myself the big question “should I?” If I do, it might be of help to someone in knowing that they are not alone. It may not be clearly written in that I am remembering how I felt back then and to an extent now, but also anyone else with chronic pain too as we all know it is difficult to avoid something like this as we have no choice but to avoid the world when we are in pain and healing and that involves social interaction…. I’m just so worried about putting that side of me out there because it will be like talking about my undiagnosed pain all over again (you feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders but also abit vulnerable) do you think I should post it?
Thank you for reading! 😉💗 Have a lovely day!