Hi everyone! How are you? Today’s post is a shorter one than usual as I can’t stop shaking. my head hurt so much this morning/yesterday evening and I can feel it coming back (its because I had my friend over yesterday but even so we just watched films/made a vision board so I don’t understand my pain as much as I like to think 😂) so I want to get this all out before it is back. This isn’t the usual positivity I display on my blog but I want to be real with you and that means touchy but truthful subjects like my pain…. This morning it felt like my brain was burning and it was affecting my eyesight (I couldn’t see out of my left eye) and memory. I couldn’t hold a conversation without getting confused and I now have no idea what I’ve been up to these last couple of days. I’ll put the symptoms down to down to fatigue but I don’t want to feel that pain again.
I was going to publish a post from my drafts and pretend all was well but then I realized there are a number of things I need to learn to do, and one of them is: speak up when I don’t feel well. I hardly ever admit when I don’t feel well (unless I know it shows) because I don’t want my day (and those I am spending it with) to be ruined and have to lay down. I would rather get on with my day, but this means I make my pain worse. I keep going, even if I can hardly stand because I don’t want it to win, whatever it is. The majority of the time I get caught because the pain shows in my eyes (they go cloudy) or I just can’t handle it and i go to bed. It scares me that it’s gotten to the point in my illness where I can’t go a day without having a flare up and have to succumb to it in the end, whether it be a migraine, headache (I’ve learned the difference), excruciating pains in my arms/legs for no reason, fatigue, the list goes on.
The thing that will help me to speak up when I don’t feel well is: learning that I’m not like everyone else (lots of learning today! 😂) This makes me sad. It doesn’t mean I’m not human (even though I feel like anything but), it means my life is incredibly different to that of other 18 year olds and has been for the past 7/8 years. There are lots of things I cannot do and so I feel like i am missing out. The only thing I can do to feel like I am in control is learn: it’s okay to be different. My pain makes me stronger everyday and I am unique with and without it and it feels like i will be stuck with it forever so why not try to teach myself these things?
Another thing I have to learn to admit is that I am very anxious. I was like this before my pain came along when I was younger (worse back then i think) my pain has made me able to cope more in social situations over the years as I would go (and still do go) months without seeing anyone’s face other than my mum, dad or sister and so I have built myself up to keep calm through situations that scare me. It is difficult to admit when you are undiagnosed that you are anxious because then your doctor’s will put all of your symptoms down to anxiety (and a number of other mental Illness’s) just so they don’t have to continue to work on finding out what is truly wrong with you. My getting anxious (I don’t have anxiety, I think I used to socially as I can remember it being much worse) is not the cause of my undiagnosed illness, it is as a result of it. I get annoyed when people say that all people who suffer from physical Illness’s are treated better than those with mental Illness’s because those of us who are undiagnosed are treated like dirt. There is no help and we are on our own learning how to cope.
I need to learn to know that it’s okay to say when I feel down. My parents get worried that I feel the same as I did when I was on those tablets that made me depressed (I wrote of here) when I only feel a normal down but don’t admit it so as to avoid scaring them. I am always told that I have every right to shout, scream and cry because of my pain. My mum tells me it’s okay to be down as anyone would be in my situation, so I need to learn to answer truthfully when I’m asked if I’m okay.
The posts I write on positivity that spring from my worse days are so that I can bring other people as well as myself up again! To an extent…we don’t want to be through the roof 😂 this post has a hint of positivity in it = I know the things I need to learn will help me cope in the long run. I will continue to be truthful with you on my blog and let you in on times like this when I’m not mad on positivity and am searching for it myself.
I will go lay down now as that is the only way I can help and in a way control my pain so I will do it. Today I was supposed to go shopping with my sister and her friend and I knew that if I went I would end up back where I started with a flare up so after some tears not going was the best thing for me as one of the many things I have to learn to do is pace. I love going out and doing stuff when I’m well but after all these years I still need to talk myself out of things I know are not good for me.
I realize that this post isn’t as short as I thought it would be now..but once I start writing I can’t stop! 😂
Thank you for reading! 😉💗 Is there anything you want to learn that you feel would improve your everyday life? Have a lovely day!